By Karis Sykes, LMFT
People often assume the main work of therapy is to gain skills to directly address the problems they are
facing. While this is an important goal to work towards, the relational dynamic between client and therapist provides a model and mirror for the emotional, behavioral, and relational work it takes to concertize healing and transformation. How we feel about, react to, and engage in conflict with our therapist is often how we show up in our own lives, and the container of the therapeutic space provides the safety to engage, challenge, and nurture
ourselves in the direction of health and wellness, as well as to employ the skills we may learn in therapy.
The trust that’s built between therapist and client is essential work so that we can benefit from the emotionally corrective experiences that relational therapy can provide.
Building trust is essential in the therapeutic relationship because it also models the building of self-trust, which fosters empowerment and change. Trust can be built by having someone show up consistently for you, having someone celebrate your wins and feel the pain of your losses with you, having someone else hear and hold the most tender parts of you. A therapist might encourage trust in the relationship by asking what safety feels like in connection with another person: “How are you able to know you feel safe in our relationship? I wonder if we could explore what indicators your body gives you?” If a client isn’t sure what they want to process in a session, a therapist might encourage mutual trust by asking “would it be okay if I gave you a moment to think about what you might need?” It’s important to practice attuning to your needs in the presence of another person without feeling rushed. A client might even want to check in with the therapist after sharing some challenging content, and a therapist might say, “thank you for thinking of me. I want to hold this with you and I hope you can trust that,” because I want them to know what it's like for someone to willingly show up for them.
My favorite aspect of relational therapy is the emotionally corrective experiences that can come in any form, depending on a person’s needs. An emotionally corrective experience is when the therapeutic dynamic repairs some relational damage from relationships past, but instead of experiencing whatever impact they weathered last time, they experience care and attuning. If a client tells me they didn’t want to come in for a session that day, I love saying, “I really appreciate knowing you can trust me enough to tell me,” because I want them to know they can show up as they are and it’s possible that it won’t change how I view them or care about them. When a client is
feeling a lot of emotion, I love taking the time to let them feel their feelings, rather than rush to intellectualize, because I want them to experience someone being with them in their emotion and not being left alone in it. Through rupture and repair in a trusting therapeutic relationship, a client can learn to handle conflict, coached through regulating emotions in the midst of conflict, and rewiring our brains for healthy conflict. This can happen when a client is misunderstood in session, but learns that this doesn’t mean they’re wrong or bad, or that it’s a threat to connection. A client may learn to take feedback without taking it as criticism of their character. Clients experience emotionally corrective experiences when they name their needs and allow someone to support them in it, when they can be messy in front of someone else and receive love, especially without having to earn it first.
People often assume the main work of therapy is to gain skills to directly address the problems they are
facing. While this is an important goal to work towards, the relational dynamic between client and therapist provides a model and mirror for the emotional, behavioral, and relational work it takes to concertize healing and transformation. How we feel about, react to, and engage in conflict with our therapist is often how we show up in our own lives, and the container of the therapeutic space provides the safety to engage, challenge, and nurture
ourselves in the direction of health and wellness, as well as to employ the skills we may learn in therapy.
The trust that’s built between therapist and client is essential work so that we can benefit from the emotionally corrective experiences that relational therapy can provide.
Building trust is essential in the therapeutic relationship because it also models the building of self-trust, which fosters empowerment and change. Trust can be built by having someone show up consistently for you, having someone celebrate your wins and feel the pain of your losses with you, having someone else hear and hold the most tender parts of you. A therapist might encourage trust in the relationship by asking what safety feels like in connection with another person: “How are you able to know you feel safe in our relationship? I wonder if we could explore what indicators your body gives you?” If a client isn’t sure what they want to process in a session, a therapist might encourage mutual trust by asking “would it be okay if I gave you a moment to think about what you might need?” It’s important to practice attuning to your needs in the presence of another person without feeling rushed. A client might even want to check in with the therapist after sharing some challenging content, and a therapist might say, “thank you for thinking of me. I want to hold this with you and I hope you can trust that,” because I want them to know what it's like for someone to willingly show up for them.
My favorite aspect of relational therapy is the emotionally corrective experiences that can come in any form, depending on a person’s needs. An emotionally corrective experience is when the therapeutic dynamic repairs some relational damage from relationships past, but instead of experiencing whatever impact they weathered last time, they experience care and attuning. If a client tells me they didn’t want to come in for a session that day, I love saying, “I really appreciate knowing you can trust me enough to tell me,” because I want them to know they can show up as they are and it’s possible that it won’t change how I view them or care about them. When a client is
feeling a lot of emotion, I love taking the time to let them feel their feelings, rather than rush to intellectualize, because I want them to experience someone being with them in their emotion and not being left alone in it. Through rupture and repair in a trusting therapeutic relationship, a client can learn to handle conflict, coached through regulating emotions in the midst of conflict, and rewiring our brains for healthy conflict. This can happen when a client is misunderstood in session, but learns that this doesn’t mean they’re wrong or bad, or that it’s a threat to connection. A client may learn to take feedback without taking it as criticism of their character. Clients experience emotionally corrective experiences when they name their needs and allow someone to support them in it, when they can be messy in front of someone else and receive love, especially without having to earn it first.