By Steve Rogers, PhD
Average - it’s a word that stimulates discomfort and unease. We want it to describe someone else, and we aspire to exceed it, even to the point that most of us believe we are above average. Psychological research consistently shows that we believe we are more attractive than others, smarter than others, and even better drivers than our peers. But when it comes to mental health, average and ordinary are better than extraordinary. They are also the antidote to many psychological conflicts.
This is explicitly evident in the neuroscience finding that striving to be superior triggers feelings of inferiority. The attempt to exceed our commonness communicates to the brain that we are inadequate and unacceptably flawed
(from the brain’s perspective, why would we need to be superior unless there was a problem in our current station?). It convinces us that we need to move from a sensed minus to a sensed plus position, so in our attempt to be extraordinary, we deepen our conviction that we are insufficient and inferior. Therefore, if you strive to be
extraordinary, brace yourself for accompanying feelings of inferiority.
Averageness is also an essential ingredient to intimacy and connection. It’s through our imperfections, our unique blend of strengths and weaknesses, and our humanity that we bond and connect with others. When given the option to be in relationship with someone who is perfect or someone who is imperfect, we reliably choose the latter because imperfection is relatable and relational. And for any individuals who do achieve the extraordinary, they have discovered that it’s incredibly lonely and isolating, positioned on a pedestal of adoration but ultimately alienated.
To attempt to exceed averageness also encourages existential angst. According to existential therapists, a belief in our specialness is often an attempt to distance ourselves from the reality of our mortality, so by trying to surpass our averageness, we are participating in a denial at worst, and a repression at best, of our finitude and fragility. In doing so, we lose the ability to enjoy and value life in the limited time we have, all while stirring up more anxiety about death and discomfort with our temporality.
Finally, striving to be more than average prevents feelings of success. Many people believe that their success, if achieved, is the result of trying to be extraordinary, as if they wouldn’t have accomplished their relational, financial, spiritual, or professional victories without striving to be exceptional. This might be true for a few select individuals, but for the vast majority, the successes we have achieved are not due to our pursuit of the extraordinary, but rather other variables that we either downplay or ignore, like character, intellect, compassion, and conscientiousness. Not only that, but when we embrace our averageness, there are more opportunities for accomplishment and success, and it is easier to celebrate, internalize, and enjoy these successes because we aren’t trying to surpass them or focus on what has yet to be attained.
Therefore, embrace your averageness, knowing exceptionality breeds insecurity and that averageness fosters contentment, intimacy, acceptance of existential reality, and enjoyment of what you have accomplished.
Average - it’s a word that stimulates discomfort and unease. We want it to describe someone else, and we aspire to exceed it, even to the point that most of us believe we are above average. Psychological research consistently shows that we believe we are more attractive than others, smarter than others, and even better drivers than our peers. But when it comes to mental health, average and ordinary are better than extraordinary. They are also the antidote to many psychological conflicts.
This is explicitly evident in the neuroscience finding that striving to be superior triggers feelings of inferiority. The attempt to exceed our commonness communicates to the brain that we are inadequate and unacceptably flawed
(from the brain’s perspective, why would we need to be superior unless there was a problem in our current station?). It convinces us that we need to move from a sensed minus to a sensed plus position, so in our attempt to be extraordinary, we deepen our conviction that we are insufficient and inferior. Therefore, if you strive to be
extraordinary, brace yourself for accompanying feelings of inferiority.
Averageness is also an essential ingredient to intimacy and connection. It’s through our imperfections, our unique blend of strengths and weaknesses, and our humanity that we bond and connect with others. When given the option to be in relationship with someone who is perfect or someone who is imperfect, we reliably choose the latter because imperfection is relatable and relational. And for any individuals who do achieve the extraordinary, they have discovered that it’s incredibly lonely and isolating, positioned on a pedestal of adoration but ultimately alienated.
To attempt to exceed averageness also encourages existential angst. According to existential therapists, a belief in our specialness is often an attempt to distance ourselves from the reality of our mortality, so by trying to surpass our averageness, we are participating in a denial at worst, and a repression at best, of our finitude and fragility. In doing so, we lose the ability to enjoy and value life in the limited time we have, all while stirring up more anxiety about death and discomfort with our temporality.
Finally, striving to be more than average prevents feelings of success. Many people believe that their success, if achieved, is the result of trying to be extraordinary, as if they wouldn’t have accomplished their relational, financial, spiritual, or professional victories without striving to be exceptional. This might be true for a few select individuals, but for the vast majority, the successes we have achieved are not due to our pursuit of the extraordinary, but rather other variables that we either downplay or ignore, like character, intellect, compassion, and conscientiousness. Not only that, but when we embrace our averageness, there are more opportunities for accomplishment and success, and it is easier to celebrate, internalize, and enjoy these successes because we aren’t trying to surpass them or focus on what has yet to be attained.
Therefore, embrace your averageness, knowing exceptionality breeds insecurity and that averageness fosters contentment, intimacy, acceptance of existential reality, and enjoyment of what you have accomplished.